Unravelling the Paradox: Why We Find Kindness Towards Ourselves So Challenging

Why is self-compassion so hard? This blog explores why we’re wired for self-criticism, how to reframe negative thoughts, and ways to practice kindness to yourself.

If your best friend came to you feeling overwhelmed, telling you they weren’t good enough, weren’t achieving enough, or felt like they were falling behind, what would you say?

You’d probably reassure them. You’d remind them how hard they’re trying, how much they’ve already accomplished, and how worthy they are… just as they are.

Now, think about how you talk to yourself in those moments.

Do you give yourself the same grace? The same patience? The same compassion?

For so many of us, the answer is no.

Instead, we’re hard on ourselves. We set impossibly high expectations, compare ourselves to others, and beat ourselves up for not being “better.” We push and push, but no matter how much we accomplish, it never feels like enough.

But why is it so difficult to extend the kindness we freely give to others back to ourselves?

That’s exactly what I want to unpack today.

I recently finished The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert, and let me tell you… this book cracked something open in me.

I’ve always struggled with self-compassion. Whether it’s with my body image, my success, or simply feeling like I need to do more to be worthy, self-criticism has been a constant voice in my head. And I know I’m not alone in this.

But this book helped me understand why we’re so self-critical, why it feels impossible to turn that kindness inward, and (most importantly) how we can change that.

It turns out, our self-judgment isn’t just a bad habit. It’s something deeply ingrained in us… shaped by evolution, upbringing, and the pressures of the world around us. And until we understand that, it’s hard to break free from it.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re never doing enough, never good enough, or just constantly hard on yourself… this is for you.

Because you deserve the same compassion you give to others. And by the end of this, I hope you’ll start to believe that too. 💛

Why We Struggle With Self-Compassion

One of the most powerful insights from The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert is that compassion isn’t just something we offer to others… it’s something we also need to receive, and most importantly, something we need to practice toward ourselves.

Gilbert breaks compassion down into three categories:

1️⃣ Compassion for others: showing kindness and care to the people around us.
2️⃣ Compassion from others: allowing people to show up for us and support us.
3️⃣ Self-compassion: the kindness we show to ourselves.

And guess which one most of us struggle with?

That last one.

It’s easy to be there for a friend when they’re having a tough day. It’s easy to offer love, encouragement, and support to someone we care about. But when it comes to how we speak to ourselves, it’s a different story.

For me, self-compassion has always been the hardest… especially when it comes to body image.

How Body Image Shaped My Self-Talk

Growing up in Asia, I was constantly surrounded by naturally thin women. It wasn’t just about body type… it was about what was considered beautiful.

The magazines, the billboards, the movies… all of them reinforced the idea that the “ideal” body was small, delicate, and slim. Models were impossibly thin, their images airbrushed to perfection. And because that was what I saw everywhere, I believed that’s what I needed to be.

If I wasn’t thin, I wasn’t beautiful. If I wasn’t beautiful, I wasn’t good enough.

That belief sank deep into my self-image.

Even now, as an adult, I catch myself being so critical of my body. I’ll look in the mirror and immediately zoom in on what I don’t like. My thighs should be smaller. My stomach should be flatter. My arms should be more toned.

And for years, I didn’t question this.

I didn’t recognise that this inner dialogue (this relentless, self-critical voice) was something I learned, not something that was true. I just accepted it as normal.

Because for so long, I thought that being hard on myself was the only way to be better.

But here’s what Gilbert’s book helped me understand: self-criticism doesn’t make us better. It makes us feel worse. And when we feel worse, we shrink. We hold ourselves back. We stop showing up fully in our lives.

The truth is, the way we speak to ourselves matters. Because whether we realize it or not, our inner voice shapes how we see ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and ultimately, how we move through the world.

So if you’ve ever found yourself caught in this cycle (if you’ve ever looked in the mirror and picked yourself apart) please know this: you’re not alone, and you don’t have to stay stuck in that mindset forever.

Self-compassion isn’t something that comes naturally for most of us. But the good news? It’s something we can learn.

The Science Behind Our Self-Criticism

Have you ever wondered why self-criticism feels so automatic? Why your brain seems to latch onto your flaws, mistakes, and insecurities… sometimes without you even realizing it?

It turns out, most of our negative thoughts are not actually our fault.

We tend to believe that if we’re hard on ourselves, it’s because something is wrong with us. That we’re just wired this way. That if we could only be more confident, more positive, or “fix” ourselves, we’d finally be free from self-doubt.

But the truth is, self-criticism isn’t a personal failure… it’s a byproduct of how our brains have evolved.

Our inner critic didn’t come out of nowhere. It was shaped by:

🔹 Evolution: Thousands of years ago, survival depended on being on high alert for danger. Our ancestors had to constantly scan their environment for threats… because missing a sign of danger could be life or death. That negativity bias helped them stay alive. But today, instead of scanning for tigers, we scan for flaws. Our brains are still wired to focus on problems, even when we are completely safe.

🔹 Genetics: Some of us are naturally more prone to anxiety, overthinking, or self-doubt based on our genetic makeup. If you’re someone who struggles with perfectionism or constantly questions yourself, it’s not because you chose to… it might be how your brain is wired.

🔹 Upbringing & Culture: The messages we grew up with shape how we see ourselves. If you were raised in an environment that valued achievement over self-worth, you probably learned that your value comes from what you do rather than who you are.

For me, growing up in Asia, I constantly felt like I needed to achieve more… because culturally, there was no such thing as “good enough.”

Even when I did well in school, the message was always: You can do better.

And the truth is, that mentality still follows me today. I’m always striving for more, always looking ahead to the next goal. And while ambition isn’t a bad thing, never pausing to acknowledge how far you’ve come is exhausting.

So when we judge ourselves, when we overthink, when we feel like we’re falling behind… that’s not a personal flaw. It’s conditioning.

Why Fighting Negative Thoughts Makes Them Stronger

Here’s where most of us go wrong:

💥 We try to fight or suppress our negative thoughts.

How many times have you told yourself:

"I need to stop overthinking."
"Why am I so insecure?"
"I just need to be more confident."

But has that ever worked?

Probably not… because the more we fight a thought, the stronger it becomes.

Imagine trying not to think about a pink elephant. The more you try to push the image out of your mind, the more it sticks. That’s exactly how self-critical thoughts work.

So instead of trying to “fix” or “get rid of” our inner critic, what if we learned to respond to it differently?

That’s where self-compassion comes in.

How to Actually Be Kinder to Yourself

So if we can’t control every negative thought, what do we do instead?

This was the question that really stuck with me after reading The Compassionate Mind. If my inner critic wasn’t something I could just turn off, how was I supposed to stop it from running my life?

The answer? Self-compassion is something we have to actively practice.

And I’ll be honest… at first, it felt awkward.

For so long, I believed that if I wasn’t hard on myself, I wouldn’t improve. That being critical was what kept me motivated. That if I let up (even just a little) I’d lose my edge.

But that mindset wasn’t making me better. It was just making me miserable.

Rewiring the Way I See My Body

One of the biggest areas where I’ve struggled with self-compassion is body image.

For years, my inner dialogue was nothing but criticism. Every time I looked in the mirror, my brain automatically zoomed in on the things I didn’t like. My thighs should be smaller. My stomach should be flatter. My arms should be more toned.

So I started something new.

Now, every morning, when I look in the mirror, instead of picking myself apart, I choose one thing to appreciate. Maybe it’s my legs for carrying me through the day. Maybe it’s my arms for hugging the people I love. I thank my body for showing up for me, for carrying me through every experience… good and bad.

At first, it felt forced. But over time, something started to shift.

The self-critical thoughts still show up… but I don’t let them be the only voice I listen to. I acknowledge them, and then I gently refocus.

Self-Compassion in My Work & Success

And this applies to everything… not just body image.

For the longest time, I struggled with never feeling like I was doing enough in my business. I would compare myself to people who were further along and think, Why am I not there yet?

Then someone told me something that completely changed my perspective:

"Where you are right now is 10 steps ahead of someone who hasn’t even started. To someone else, you’re already successful."

That hit me hard.

For the first time, I started recognising my own progress. And that’s when I started being more compassionate with myself.

Instead of only focusing on where I want to go, I started appreciating how far I’ve already come.

And that’s when everything changed. 💛

Receiving Compassion: Why It Feels Uncomfortable

For a long time, I thought self-compassion was just about how I spoke to myself. What I didn’t realise was that learning to receive compassion from others is just as important.

And honestly? That part was harder than I expected.

For years, I struggled to accept compliments.

If someone told me I did something well, I’d immediately brush it off… "Oh, it’s not a big deal." If they complimented my work, I’d find a way to downplay it… "I just got lucky," or "It wasn’t that hard."

I wasn’t rejecting their kindness because I was being humble. Deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved it.

I thought that if I really deserved praise, I’d have to do more, achieve more, be more. Compliments felt undeserved, like people were seeing something in me that I hadn’t earned yet.

The Exercise That Changed Everything

Then I did an exercise that, at the time, felt impossible.

I was asked to write down 10 things I liked about myself.

I sat there staring at a blank page, completely stuck.

After a few minutes, I managed to come up with two. But 10? I felt like I had nothing else to say. I had spent so many years picking myself apart that I had no idea how to recognise the good in myself.

I wasn’t let off the hook, though. I was pushed to dig deeper. To go past the automatic self-criticism and find something (anything) I could appreciate about myself.

And slowly, something shifted.

I started noticing my strengths. I started paying attention to the things I was good at, the qualities that made me me.

And most importantly, I started believing them.

The Power of Accepting Kindness

Now, when someone gives me a compliment, instead of immediately dismissing it, I take a deep breath and say, “Thank you.”

Because here’s what I’ve learned:

✨ The way we receive kindness matters.
✨ The way we allow others to celebrate us matters.
✨ And the more we accept compassion, the more we start believing we’re worthy of it.

Compassion isn’t just something we give ourselves. It’s something we have to allow ourselves to receive. And that shift? That’s where real healing begins. 💛

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Compassionate Mind, it’s this: self-compassion isn’t something that just happens… it’s something we have to practice.

For so long, I thought my inner critic was just part of who I was. That being hard on myself was the only way to improve. But now, I see it differently.

Here’s what I want you to take away from this:

✨ We didn’t choose the way our minds work, but we can choose to be kind to ourselves. Your brain was wired for survival, not self-love. But the good news? You can rewire it.

✨ Self-compassion is a practice… something we have to actively cultivate every day. Just like we build habits for work, fitness, or personal growth, we have to build habits for how we treat ourselves.

✨ The way we speak to ourselves matters. Because over time, neurons that fire together, wire together—meaning the more we focus on kindness, the more natural it becomes.

Join Find Clarity and Purpose Everyday here.

You are not broken. You are not behind. You are doing the best you can with the mind you have. And that is enough.

I’d love to hear from you:

What’s one small way you can be kinder to yourself this week? Drop it in the comments or DM me on Instagram… I’d love to support you!

And if you found this helpful, let me know if you’d like more book breakdowns like this.

Thank you for being here… I appreciate you all so much! 💛