Why Letting Go Was the Best Parenting Shift I Ever Made

Letting go of control as a mum can feel terrifying—this blog shares why we grip so tightly, and how to finally find calm, trust, and emotional safety.

Let’s be real… letting go of control as a mum isn’t easy.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had moments (maybe daily?) where it feels like you’re holding the emotional weight of your whole household.
Managing everyone’s moods, trying to anticipate meltdowns before they happen, running the mental checklist of groceries, schedules, meals, screen time, your work, your friendships… all while trying to “stay calm” and “be present.”

Honestly? It’s a lot.
And for a long time, I didn’t even realise how tightly I was gripping until I hit a moment where my body said… enough.

It was one of those evenings.
We were in the dining room. I was frantically trying to place an online grocery order before the cutoff time for same-day delivery, because of course I hadn’t had time earlier. The kids were already at the dinner table… my son refusing to eat, my daughter flipping between giggles and full-blown meltdowns.

And I could feel it in my chest.

That familiar tightness.
That panicky energy.
That need to fix everything right now so the evening wouldn’t completely unravel.

And at the same time, this flood of thoughts was rushing through my brain:

– “Have they eaten enough? Will they go to bed hungry?”
– “Will I get this grocery order in on time?”
– “Have I posted anything on Instagram today?”
– “Why do I feel so overwhelmed when I’m not even doing that much right now?”

I caught myself mid-spiral.

And it was in that moment that I finally saw it clearly:
I was gripping so tightly to everything.
Not just dinner or the grocery list… but to this invisible pressure to do it all, perfectly, without ever dropping the ball.

And you know what?
I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I don’t want my kids’ memories of me to be of a woman constantly rushing, constantly tense, constantly trying to “hold it all together.”

That moment was a wake-up call.
And not in a dramatic, “my life flashed before my eyes” kind of way.
But in the quiet, honest way that whispers:
“You don’t have to live like this. You get to choose something softer.”

That was the beginning of the shift for me… from control to trust.

If you’ve been feeling that tightness in your chest…
If you’ve been snapping, spiraling, or second-guessing every decision…
You’re not broken. You’re not failing.

You’re just tired.
And maybe, like me, you’re ready to stop gripping and start trusting something deeper.

Why Mums Try to Control Everything (It’s Not Just About the Dishes)

After that moment in the dining room… the one where I caught myself spiraling in the middle of meal planning, meltdowns, and trying to keep it all together… I sat with a really honest question:

Why am I gripping so tightly?

Why do I feel like I need to manage every outcome, anticipate every mood, control how the day goes, how the kids respond, how the world sees me?

And the answer didn’t come right away… but it did come.

Because control feels safer than the unknown.

If you’ve ever found yourself trying to micromanage every little thing (from your child’s food intake to the tone of a WhatsApp message) then please hear this:

You’re not crazy. You’re not dramatic.
You’re just trying to feel safe in a world that often feels out of your hands.

This is something I’ve had to unpack slowly over time.
Because for so long, I thought I was just being “on top of things.”
I thought my need to plan ahead and triple-check everything made me a good mum, a good business owner, a good friend.

But here’s what I’ve come to realise…

Control is not a personality trait… it’s a protective response.

When we’re stuck in hyper-control mode, it’s often because our nervous system doesn’t feel safe.
And we learned, somewhere along the way, that the only way to feel okay was to manage everything around us.

For me, this goes all the way back to childhood.

I grew up around emotional shutdowns.
The kind of environment where feelings were rarely talked about. Where tension sat in the air but no one named it.
Where silence meant something wasn’t right, but you had to figure it out for yourself.

So I became hyper-aware.
I learned how to read the room. To anticipate needs. To smooth things over. To stay one step ahead.

And without realising it, I carried those patterns into motherhood.
Into how I respond when my child resists a boundary.
Into how I panic when a client doesn’t reply right away.
Into how I feel the urge to fix a friendship the second something feels off.

Because somewhere deep down, I believed this:

👉 If I can control it, I can prevent the pain.
👉 If I manage it well enough, nothing will fall apart.
👉 If I’m perfect, I’ll finally feel safe.

But that’s not how safety works.

Real emotional safety in motherhood doesn’t come from control.
It comes from regulation. From presence. From self-trust.

And that’s the shift I’m learning to make… slowly, gently, and with a lot of compassion.

If you’re noticing those same patterns in yourself (gripping tightly, micromanaging everyone’s needs, feeling like it all depends on you) it’s not because you’re failing.
It’s because at some point, you learned that control = survival.

And now? You get to learn something new.
You get to choose softness. You get to choose trust.

If you’re tired of carrying it all... you’re allowed to set some of it down.

The Shift From Gripping to Trusting (and What That Actually Looks Like)

Once I realised that my constant need to manage everything was rooted in a deeper desire for safety, something inside me softened.

Not all at once. Not perfectly. But just enough to start asking a different question:

What if I could feel safe without controlling everything?

That thought alone was life-changing.

Because the truth is, most of us have been carrying the weight of control for so long that we don’t even recognise how heavy it is anymore. It’s become our normal.
But normal doesn’t mean healthy.
Normal doesn’t mean aligned.

So I started looking at where I was gripping. Where I was trying to force outcomes. Where I was losing energy trying to manage other people’s reactions, moods, choices… things that were never actually mine to carry or not within my control.

And the shift began in these small, very human moments.

I recently read about The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
It’s such a simple concept, but it landed hard for me.

Let them misunderstand you.
Let them not reply.
Let them distance themselves.
Let them do things differently.
Let them parent how they parent.
Let them unsubscribe.

It felt like a deep exhale.
Because somewhere along the way, I internalised that it was my job to keep every relationship, every plan, every experience emotionally “clean” and conflict-free.

But it’s not.
And it never was.

My job is to stay grounded in my own lane.
To show up in a way that feels aligned with my values.
To bring presence and intention, not control and perfection.

This came up recently with a friend I connected with deeply… but there’s been a bit of distance between us. The old me would’ve overthought every message, checked in three times, made it about me, tried to fix it.

But this time, I paused. I breathed. I said:
Let her be where she is.
I can hold space without gripping for closeness.

Same thing with work.
I used to spiral if a post didn’t land or a launch felt slow.
Now, I remind myself… my job is to show up. That’s it.
The outcome is not mine to control.

And here’s the wild thing: when I started letting go, I didn’t fall apart.

I actually felt lighter. More creative. More connected.
Like I had space to be myself again, without constantly reacting to everything around me.

Trusting the process as a mum (or as a human) isn’t about giving up.
It’s about choosing to believe that you are safe to soften. That everything doesn’t need your tight grip to work out.

That shift from control to trust is not easy. But it is possible.

Tools That Help Me Loosen the Grip (Without Letting Everything Fall Apart)

So once I started making this shift from control to trust… I knew it couldn’t just stay in my head.

It’s one thing to know you’re over-functioning, or gripping too tightly…
It’s another thing entirely to practice softening in real time.

Especially when life feels loud. When the kids are melting down, the inbox is full, the dinner’s half-cooked, and your nervous system is already at capacity.

So in this part of the journey, I want to share the actual tools that have been helping me live this shift.
These aren’t big dramatic changes. They’re small, grounded practices that help me remember:
I can feel safe without controlling everything.

1. Nervous System Awareness: Notice the Grip

This is where it starts for me. Always.

Because control doesn’t begin in the brain… it begins in the body.

So now, when I feel myself starting to grip (whether that’s snapping at the kids, rushing through dinner, or obsessively rewriting a caption) I pause and ask:

👉 “What’s happening in my body right now?”

For me, the signs are usually the same:
– Tight jaw
– Shallow breathing
– That rising heat in my chest
– Feeling like everything suddenly needs to happen now

When I notice those cues, I know it’s not about whatever task is in front of me.
It’s about my body not feeling safe in that moment.

So I do something small to ground myself:

– I slow down my exhale (longer out-breaths calm the nervous system)
– I shake out my arms
– I press my feet into the floor and bring awareness to my body
– I literally place my hand on my chest and whisper to myself:
“You’re safe now. You don’t have to grip.”

These tiny moments matter. They create enough space to respond, not react.

2. Voice Journaling with a Sacred Closing Line

This one has changed the game for me… especially on the days when writing feels like too much.

I still love pen to paper. I use it every day for things like:
– My daily schedule
– Gratitude lists
– Capturing wins or small moments that felt meaningful

But for my longer, more emotional reflections, I’ve started using voice journaling.

I just speak freely into my phone. I don’t try to make it pretty or polished.
It’s just stream-of-consciousness processing… whatever’s on my heart.

And then, I let AI transcribe it. Sometimes I’ll go back and read through the transcript, and what’s amazing is that it often pulls out patterns, repeating themes, and even little wins I hadn’t noticed at the time.

It’s helped me reflect more consistently without the pressure of doing it perfectly.

And I always end every entry (whether spoken or written) with the same line:

“I release what I can’t control, and I trust what’s meant for me will find me.”

That one sentence has become like an anchor. A way to gently close the loop and signal to my body: You don’t need to carry this anymore.

3. Micro Surrenders: The Gentle Way Back to Trust

This one’s my favourite because it’s so accessible.

We often think letting go has to be this big dramatic release… but honestly, the most powerful shifts are usually tiny.

Here’s what micro surrender looks like in real life:

– Letting your child wear the clashing outfit without correcting them
– Leaving the dishes for later without guilt
– Letting an email sit unread overnight instead of replying immediately
– Letting the plan change last minute without spiraling

Each time I do one of these tiny things, my body learns:
“See? We didn’t control it… and we’re still safe.”

It’s nervous system re-parenting, moment by moment.
It’s reminding myself that peace doesn’t require perfection.
That letting go isn’t failure… it’s trust.

These tools aren’t about doing more.
They’re about finding safety in the in-between moments.

Because real calm doesn’t come from fixing or forcing.
It comes from trusting that you don’t need to grip so tightly anymore.

You don’t have to leap.
You just have to loosen… a little.

One Small Shift That Changes Everything

If you’ve read this far, I want to take a moment to say: Thank you.
Not just for being here, but for being with yourself in this conversation.

Because this topic (how to stop trying to control everything as a mum) it isn’t light.
It asks us to look at the patterns we’ve been living inside for years.
To name the ways we’ve been trying to stay safe.
To hold space for the version of us who thought she had to carry it all.

And that’s not nothing.

I know what it feels like to be the one who holds everything together.
To be the one who remembers, anticipates, fixes, smooths.
To go through your day on edge, feeling like it’s all on you to keep things running.

It’s a heavy way to live.
And you’re allowed to set some of that weight down.

You don’t have to stop caring.
You don’t have to stop showing up with love and intention.

But you can stop gripping so tightly.
You can start trusting that not everything needs your control to work out.

So here’s your gentle invitation today:

What’s one thing you’re gripping onto right now?

Maybe it’s a friendship that feels unclear.
Maybe it’s your child’s behaviour.
Maybe it’s the way your body is changing.
Maybe it’s the need to stay “on top of everything” at all times.

Whatever it is, just notice it.
Name it without judgment.
And then ask yourself:

What would it feel like to loosen that grip… just a little?

That’s all you have to do.

You don’t need to overhaul your routines.
You don’t need to meditate for 30 minutes or write 10 pages in your journal.

You just need to choose softness in one small moment.

– A long exhale before you respond
– Leaving the dishes until the morning
– Not replying to the message right away
– Letting the day be messy and still good

That’s how we begin.

That’s how we reclaim peace… not by being in control, but by building trust.

And if this is something you’re navigating right now (trying to find clarity, calm, and space beyond the constant managing) I want you to know: you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

I’ve created something to support you in this exact season.

It’s called Find Clarity & Purpose Every Day… a self-paced, grounding journey that helps you reconnect with what matters to you, so you can move through your days with more ease, intention, and self-trust.

If that’s something your heart is craving, click here to get started now.

And even if that’s not for you right now, I want you to take this with you:

You are allowed to feel safe without controlling everything.
You are allowed to live with softness.
You are allowed to trust yourself again.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for choosing a gentler way.
And thank you for walking this path with me.

You’re not alone. Not ever. 💛