This article outlines some useful strategies to help deal with your child’s big feelings.

Children are human beings, just like us. They experience a whole range of emotions, but unlike us, aren’t able to identify their feelings and regulate their responses. In fact, most adults can’t even do that.

1) Pick your battles - prioritize safety

One of the best ways to deal with tantrums and big feelings is prevention. We can’t completely avoid emotional outbursts, but we can definitely try to reduce the frequency of their occurrence. By setting our environment up for independence, we are able to say yes to our children more often than not. We can reserve saying no for times when their safety (or that of others around them) is compromised.

Picking our battles will (hopefully) make the outbursts fewer and far between.

2) Set ground rules and stick to them

Children need adults to set boundaries for them, even though it may seem like they test boundaries all the time. They’re testing those boundaries to see if we notice them, to get our attention. By being firm and sticking with our ground rules, children will feel safe and loved.

Every household is different, so decide what is important to you and set some firm ground rules. Write them down and stick them in a prominent location at home. Read and remind your child of them regularly.

If they do test a boundary, be consistent and do not give in. Once a child knows that he can bend a rule if he cries or screams loud enough, you can pretty much expect that behaviour every time thereafter.

3) Take their feelings seriously

Our first instinct when a child has an emotional outburst is to quieten him down and tell him that everything will be alright. What this actually does is tell him that his feelings don’t matter. It tells him that emotional outbursts are not ok and that he should hide his feelings and smile.

What your child actually needs is to be heard. He needs to be understood. Hazard a guess and repeat back the emotion you think your child is feeling, like “You feel frustrated when someone else is using the toy that you want to play with.”

You may notice that by just hearing his emotion being described back to him, your child feels heard and is ready to move on. If he isn’t, then just give him time to ride the emotion out.

4) Show them you love them no matter what

When a child is in the thick of an emotional outburst, he is so overcome by emotion that he cannot be reasonable. Talking and trying to reason with a child in this state is pointless, and can even be counterproductive.

Instead, stay close by and stay silent. This way you show love and respect for your child’s emotions while waiting for them to ride the emotion out and reach a more receptive state of mind.

Once calmer, empathize with your child. Tell him you love him and that you understand why he felt the way he did. If he seems receptive, ask if he is ready to find a solution with you. If not, make a mental note, and take up the conversation with him at a later stage.

5) Give them a hug (if they’ll let you)

Every child is different. Some like to be touched or hugged when upset and others need their own space. If your child will let you, make physical contact like patting his back or giving him a hug.

Hugging your child to your chest makes him feel your heartbeat. If you take deep breaths and slow down your own heart rate, your child will feel it and his heart rate will begin to slow down too. This co-regulation of heart rates will calm him down pretty quickly. 

Hugging is also a great way to show your child you love him and respect his emotions.

6) Dragon breathing

I first heard about the concept of dragon breathing on a Simple Families podcast. I researched and found out that dragon breathing is an actual form of yogic breathing that releases tension and negative energy. It is a great exercise to practise with your child when he is angry or feels like he might explode. 

Watch this video from yoremikids.com to see how it’s done.

Here’s how to do it:

• Sit cross legged or kneeling with your spine long

• Breathe in through your nose

• Breathe out through your mouth whispering a roar

• Option to stick out your tongue and open your eyes and mouth wide

• Repeat 3-5 times

To make it more fun for your child, tell them to raise and lower their arms like a dragon as they breathe. They can even add a roar on the exhale.